


A Reminder

by hannahlilyy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cheating, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Therapy, im horrible at tagging im so sorry, just read it i think you’ll like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24125392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahlilyy/pseuds/hannahlilyy
Summary: Louis didn’t want this. He didn’t want to have to go to a therapist to begin to lighten the tension between his and Harry’s epically crash landed, hopelessly infuriating romantic relationship that ended four years ago yet was never resolved properly so now six months before their reunion tour they are here so they could appear as physically normal and platonic as possible to the ones expecting the most of them. He didn’t. But when did he ever get what he wanted?
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 21





	A Reminder

**Author's Note:**

> hey y’all !!! okay this entire thing is done without auto capitalization and yes i know that’s annoying but i was far too lazy to actually go back and change everything, also there may be some grammar mistakes. i hope that isn’t too much of a bother !! i hope you enjoy if it isn’t :)

it was a cold day in london, the deep grey and blue clouds that filled the sky heavy with frigid rain that would soon enough drop down on the cheeks of thousands of people, including louis. he had forgot to pack an umbrella with him in his rush downtown, the pale, empty hallway of his new apartment hadn’t even contained one yet if he truly thought about it. a millionaire who didn’t even own an umbrella, who would have thought?

the idea to buy an apartment so close to london was brought about by the memory of his mother. just before she passed away, she reminisced with louis on the days him and the girls would spend in london in the winter. they went ice skating in town square and drank coco on the balcony of their favorite café, built snowmen in the park and pelted each other mercilessly with snowballs. and in the summer they would spend the better half of it with grandma lola who always had a freshly chlorinated pool, a beautiful flower garden and hundreds (possibly thousands) of movies the kids could watch. louis longed for his sister’s little body in his arms on the plush yellow sofa as she fell asleep watching cartoons, her soft snores like music in his ears through the muggy summer air. sometimes he would play lottie silly songs on his grandpa’s guitar that made her face light up with bright red joy, squeals of laughter bursting from her lips like pop rocks.

with both of them gone, he needed the feeling of home, wanted so badly for them to be coming back with him. with their passing so sudden in his busy life, he decided to take a short break from the music and the concerts and the fans and rent an apartment near the city he held so dear to his heart. he loved his job and everything that came with it more than he could ever explain, but for now he needed to focus on himself, on the ones he loved the most. and that’s why this day was so important, so hurried, so sudden.

louis thanked his uber driver profusely for the ride on such short notice, the old woman nodding at him politely and waving him a small goodbye. he always chose an older person as his driver, they were much less likely to know who he was, and if they did it was only from short comments from their grandchildren. he’d only been asked for an autograph a hand full of times, but most of it was just them taking a not-so-indiscrete picture of him on their iphones and tapping away.

as soon as he stepped out from the volkswagen, god old people have the sickest cars, his dirty white vans slapped harshly against the slick pavement of the busy street. the shoes were too tight at his toes and threading in the soles, but he had them for years and he wanted the nostalgia that came with slipping them on without touching the laces. he pulled up his thick black hood, slid his airpods in with a pluck of his fingers and hit shuffle on his most recently made playlist “nothing lasts forever but your name on my wrist might”. it was a lyric he had wrote ages ago when he got his first tattoos and he thought he might write a song to go with it, but he needed inspiration. the playlist was chock full of the classics, at least in louis’ mind: the strokes, the chili peppers, def leppard, arctic monkeys, brockhampton, weezer, the cure, sublime, talking heads, the shins, neutral milk hotel, the list went on. it was a playlist he made recently, one that reminded him of himself, and that was something he needed reminding of constantly as his brain was so full of the memories other people had given him. sometimes it was best to just focus on his roots, what he needed inside himself most, despite what his brain might be forcing him to imagine otherwise.

as he came closer to the building he felt his heart begin to beat a little faster, each step like a rhythm like the music in his ears, his blood pumping in his wrists, his chest, his head, his eyes. he wasn’t about to cry, but the rain dripping off his eyelashes and down his cheeks could trick the eye, a foreshadowing maybe, but not now. now he needed to be strong, if not for himself, for his mum, his sister, his...

he was standing in front of the door. how was he there already? wasn’t he just getting out of the car three blocks away a half a second ago? the music had died in his ears as the playlist had ended, how long ago he couldn’t recall, and he shoved the tiny white pods back into his front jacket pocket. god he could use a cigarette right about now, but no, no he had been good about quitting he wasn’t going to break it. not then, anyways.

the panes of the glass door were glossy and sharp, the metal pleating on the side engraved with architectural swirls and patterns. it was quite pretty, actually, and if the sun was hitting it right it would glint a spark in his eye that could potentially be blinding. but it looked dull, a flat grey like the pavement or his ratted shoe laces or the color of his eyes in the dim light of the foreboding sky. the dark grays had turned to deep, deep blues and it was such a gorgeous color like the ocean at midnight, like the one that came thundering down just as he stepped in the door, the drizzle turning into complete downpour.

he flicked the hood off his messy hair and tapped out his shoes on the long auburn rug that stretched across the marble flooring of the lobby. he thanked god that he wore black jeans, otherwise he might look like he weed himself from the puddle a car had splashed all over the front of his pants, still feeling the cool sting on his knees where the water had hit his exposed knees.

he walked as composedly as he could to the front desk where a tall brunette woman in a sparkly red sweater sat with her black docs on the desk and her phone in her hand scrolling aimlessly at some social media page. he cleared his throat and gave her a winning smile, “hello love, i’m looking for a dr. winters?” the girl peered her eyes over her phone, a green so violent it burned like snake poison, very unlike the green he was used to... he saw her lips move but comprehended nothing, but before her sneer could turn into words a man appeared from the door behind her, “jesus, kat, think you could help the poor man instead of pointing daggers at him? i’m so sorry, sir, my daughter just started here yesterday and i’m trying to teach her the ropes, how can i help you?”

louis popped an eyebrow, but ignored the girl, kat, now mostly focusing his attention on the short salt and pepper man in front of him, dressed sharply in a navy suit and red tie unlike his offspring, “sorry, i’m looking for dr. winters.” the man nodded his head, “oh, yes, in psychiatry, she’ll be on floor twenty seven, second door on your right. her receptionist is named betty and will be waiting for you there, i’ll let her know you’re coming.” louis managed a quick thanks before spinning towards the elevators, feeling kat’s sharp gaze still on him. jeez, what was her problem?

the ride up the elevator, unlike his walk to the offices, seemed like it lasted a century. the view was quite welcome though, the buildings of downtown london growing smaller as he became larger, a bit poetic if he really thought about it. the doors dinged opened a second later and he turned from the view to the hallway. it was simple looking, a few random pictures of architecture and cities and local photographers stock images lining the walls. the walls were a slate grey color just like the doors and the carpet was a speckled black, feeling odd under his feet after the slippery sidewalks. he was at her door very shortly and his heart was now actually in his throat, the increasing beating from before a heavy constant thumping.

he could do this, he could, it couldn’t be as bad as he thought it would be. it’s just a talk, maybe in a random, stuffy office, but a talk none the less. with a random stranger documenting everything said to one another and butting in when she felt fit. talking. he could talk, oh how he could talk. and he opened the door.

the room, unlike the hallway, was incredibly warm, so warm he felt the need to take his sweatshirt off immediately or he might actually sweat through his shirt. the walls were a warm yellow like the burning of a candle and the furniture was quaint and elegant like an old country home.

the girl sitting at the desk this time, much unlike the previous, was a short chubby girl no older than 20 with thick framed glasses and a fantastic smile. she wore a blue plaid paint suit and a ruffled white blouse underneath, her tiny feet just barely touching the floor, matte black kitten heels tapping at the legs of her office chair.

“mr. tomlinson! we’ve been expecting you, go right in when you’re ready, can i offer you a beverage? maybe a hot coffee?” she began with an optimistic like cheer to her tone. it made louis’ heart beat a little slower and the thin line of his lips twitch up at the sides, “thank you, doll, and i appreciate the offer but i’m well enough without it, tend to run a bit warm anyhow.”

she nodded at his words and went back to her computer, click clacking away still with a smile. she noticed he needed his space, a very rare quality in the typical person he meets on the day to day. he pulled up and over his sweatshirt from his torso and smoothed out his undershirt, a thin grey henley with the buttons undone underneath. he buttoned up the bottom two, popped out the collars and let out a quick inhale-exhale before throwing his sweatshirt over his arm and checking the time on the clock above mrs. winters’ door, 5pm right on the dot. man he was good.

with a small boost of confidence blossoming in his chest he pulled open the door with a welcoming smile on his face, immediately met with something not so welcoming. he was here. early. first. and the doctor had a huge toothy grin on her face at something he had said. great. fucking fantastic. bloody, bloody brilliant-

“mr. tomlinson, pardon me for not meeting you at the door! i’m dr. winters, but please, call me loreen,” she piqued as soon as she saw him standing in the door frame and rose from her red cushioned seat to meet louis, warmly shaking his hand and guiding him to the chair in front of her desk. was it just louis or were his chair and his chair a bit close together? “it’s nice to meet you, ma’am, thank you,” he said in response, his voice a bit wobbly as his entire plan was completely ambushed from the second he opened the door. louis was supposed to get there first. louis was supposed to make a good impression on the doctor. louis was supposed to talk the most and get the most agreement and pity and attention. but things never really went his way, now did they?

he refused to even peek at him, it wasn’t going to happen, he told himself earlier that the entire time he would focus on the doctor and not the man sitting at his side. yet, of course, he couldn’t help himself. he never could when it came to-

“harry tells me that you’ve just rented an apartment right outside the city! that must be exciting to be so close to home again,” the doctor started as soon as his ass even ghosted the velvet seating. jesus christ, had the man told her his entire life story before he was even present?

“um, yes, ma’am, wanted to be in a, uh, comfortable setting i suppose.” the doctor chuckled at that, “loreen, dear, please, but it is indeed always lovely to have that sense of familiarity around you.” louis nodded in agreement and said nothing else, he was too busy focusing on the not looking at harry aspect of his venture.

loreen’s face fell a bit at louis’ stature, “for a man in his comfortable setting, you don’t seem to be very comfortable at all.” louis blinked once, twice, then spoke, “well, seeing a therapist isn’t the most comforting thing in the world-“

“it isn’t you, loreen, it’s me,” the thick, syrupy sound that was harry styles’ voice interrupted and louis immediately broke his self-promise.

harry looked... he looked like winter. but not like the cold kind of winter, but the warmth of a fire through the chill. his freshly cut hair was styled in a perfect gelled sprawl over the right side of his head, stray strands longer than the rest falling a bit onto his forehead. he was clad in an amazingly-soft looking oak brown jumper with specks of gold glitter loosely scattered across the piece, fading black skinny jeans bunched up around his ankles where his warm brown heeled boots met the fabric. his ever present silver rings and black chipped nail polish adorned his hands, palms bunched up in the ends of the sweater that were just a bit too long for his arms, yet you could still see the shade of his muscles at his biceps. he wore the slightest bit of rose tinted lip gloss that made his lips blossom in the bright yellow glow of the room, his burgundy coat was hung over the back of his chair and his high end black leather wallet and car keys were sitting on the table between them, the small silver cat key chain on them reflecting fragments of glow. louis couldn’t look away, as much as he wanted to, harry was intoxicating, the strongest liquor money could buy and his brain and heart were drunk after one shot.

“quite presumptuous to assume my embarrassing nerves are because of you, harry, and not the way that cat is glaring at me,” louis glanced down to harry’s keys and back up at him where a small frown ghosted on harry’s gloriously red lips, “his name is mittens and he doesn’t appreciate your mocking tone.” god, yes humor, please humor don’t make this so unbearably awkward and horrific.

that made the doctor, or, loreen smile, “i’m pleased to see the two of you joking about so easily, a very good start indeed.” she folded her french tip manicured hands across the wooden table and began to speak, words louis couldn’t care less to hear in all honesty because harry was sitting two feet away from him and all he could think about was how badly he wanted to hug him and talk to him alone and laugh with him like they used to when they were younger, when everything was easier, happier. less having to go to a therapist to begin to lighten the tension between their crash landed, hopelessly infuriating romantic relationship that ended four years ago yet was never resolved properly so now six months before their reunion tour they are here so they could appear as physically normal and platonic as possible and more getting plastered at the pub down the street from their concert venue and making out in a back alley at three in the morning, going back to the hotel room and pelting pillows at each others faces before eating all the hotel junk food in their mini fridge and having the best sex of louis’ life in the shower as the sun came up. 

louis wasn’t saying he wanted to get back together with harry. not at all. well, not really... more so because it just wasn’t realistic anymore and after the way things ended previously he wasn’t so keen on trying it again. yes, the sex was unbelievable. and better yet, harry was the bestest friend louis had ever had, he could say that with absolute certainty. and to top it all off, louis was head over heels in love with the androgynous giraffe man and most likely would be for the rest of his life. where was he going with this... point being, they’re there, louis’ there, harry’s there, and they need to fucking talk. no jokes, no games, no casual conversation, no pillow talk, they need to get to the deep shit. and now is maybe the only chance they’ll get to do that without ripping each other to pieces like they did four years ago. so, louis tuned back in.

“anyways, harry, why are you here today? not the actual reason, but why did you agree to this? why did you decide this would be a good idea?” loreen turned to harry with an attentive look on her face and harry glanced at loreen before looking directly back at louis and the eye contact caused a shiver to crawl up louis’ spine. “well, i..,” harry smiled briefly, looking away from louis to the ground for a moment and back up, “i miss my friend. we used to he so close, inseparable. it was us against everything else, and... and now he’s like a stranger to me.” 

that hit louis. hard. practically took his breath away. wow, really jumping into it huh? harry continued, probably because louis looked like a deer caught in headlights mixed with a flattened pancake, “and i know that sounds harsh, i know it does, but the more i think about it the more i find it to be true. we text maybe once a month tops, never calls, and certainly never facetimes. and when we do we only talk about the band or our own work or our family and friends, never about each other or how we are actually doing or what we’re thinking about. i miss having a friend who i could confide in with even the silliest, smallest thing or the biggest confession of my life and no matter what he was there for me. always.”

the biggest confession of his life. the night harry told louis he loved him.

told her that i loved her  
was not sure if she heard  
the roof was pretty windy and she didn’t say a word  
party had died downstairs  
had nothing left to do  
just me her and the moon 

louis remembered when harry showed him that lyric on his phone one night when they were in bed and louis almost burst into tears he was so embarrassed.

they had just gotten booted from the x factor and been announced as a band and he and harry decided to throw a celebration party. all of their best friends and the other boys’ as well threw an absolute rager at louis’ childhood friend stan’s house. there had got to have been at least a hundred people all shoved into stan’s tiny town house, spilling into the back yard and the front yard and jumping in the hot tub stan had built with his bare hands with all their clothes on, but no one had found the roof. too much alcohol, too much weed, too much music and laughter and sexual tension lead harry to the brilliant idea that they should climb through stan’s bedroom window, shimmy across the drain gutter and hoist themselves onto the roof. and, of course, as louis was going through the exact same mindset, he agreed.

they were able to get up there without killing themselves but louis had scraped his arm on the tiling of the roof which caused harry to panic at the incredibly thin line of blood and take off his sweatshirt, wrapping it around louis’ barely injured arm and insisting louis hold it there.

they sat there and stared at the sky for what seemed like hours but was most likely only about five minutes (actually it was about an hour because everyone had disappeared and the noise of the music and screaming teenagers was gone) before harry turned to him with absolutely no context and said he loved him. at first louis thought he misheard him, thought that it was just his mind playing tricks on him, but then he looked at harry and the terrified, longing, beautiful, tragic look in his eyes and realized he wasn’t imagining it or dreaming and his entire body went into shock. that’s why he said nothing back. not for a minute anyway, and when he responded it was with a lot more than words.

“and louis? why are you here?”

oh, goody, louis’ turn.

“i think what harry said pretty much sums it up.”

well, that certainly wasn’t going to cut it.

“but, um, i miss him too. a lot. i think a lot more than i should sometimes. and i’m trying to appreciate the things i have, the people i have here, because i’ve been losing myself lately in the things i’ve lost. bit funny, innit? losing yourself in something that isn’t even there?” louis said with a shrug and a humorless chuckle then continued, harry’s eyes settled deeply into his own. he had never felt so anchored in one spot in his life. “yeah, so, trying to mend burned bridges. some people call it hopeless, but i’ve always been an optimist myself, so, maybe less hopeless and a bit more of a challenge in my eyes.”

loreen smiles at that and nods contently, “wonderful, louis thank you for that. now, i know both of you were previously involved romantically and wish to mend how the relationship ended, and now i see you also do in fact wish to have a friendship, and i can very well see that happening. but first, we must conclude the chapter of your romantic relationship before opening the previous one of friendship yet again.”

harry nods in agreement and louis bites the corner of his lip yet does nothing. like he said, doesn’t want to be with harry, not a bit, because it wouldn’t work. but that will never stop him from loving him the way he used to. never. and that was something he didn’t think he could admit.

“i want each of you to describe how you believe your romantic relationship began, continued, and ended. not in full depth, but in a way you might summarize the plot of a book to someone. and again, like i said before, not to me, to each other.” oh, louis hadn’t heard that part. he thought harry was looking at him because he couldn’t stop just like louis couldn’t stop. that was a bit disappointing.

“um, i’ll start, yeah?” louis asked, trying to gain the upper hand, and harry nodded in agreement and louis took a second to remember and spoke, “well, we started dating officially in 2011. the beginning was like how a lot of relationships go, the honeymoon phase a lot of people call it, cute pet names, sex all the time whenever we had the opportunity, showing each other off to friends and family and gushing about them, long stares across rooms and teasing and all that. that lasted longer than most, it lasted up until around the beginning of 2013. that’s when we started getting into rows. not big ones, but small ones, over stupid things like the dishes or if we wanted a pet or what we should watch on tv, almost like an old married couple but with a lot more, um, not just jabs, petty comments i would say? but they weren’t like regular petty comments that you just shrug off because it was the heat of the moment, but like, actual insults that stung a bit harder than you may have intended them to. and i was surprised that either of us was capable of hurting the other person like that, it was a bit scary, so we started getting a bit more distant. in 2014 we decided to move out and stay in separate homes but still stay together, exclusively that is. besides all the blah blah for publicity dating bs, like actually seeing someone wasn’t in the cards at that point. then the fighting stopped and we just became too casual, like we forgot we were dating and just were best mates again like when we first met. we didn’t have sex, really at all actually unless we were drunk or high just because of urge and less because, well, it was us. then, um...” louis had to pause, had to take a breath because this is when it got infinitely harder. he saw it in harry’s eyes too, he knew where this was going, and he broke their eye contact, staring down at his hands. it made it a bit easier for louis to say, and maybe that’s why he did it, but it was probably because it was just...

“um, one day, around 2015 harry admitted to me that he had been seeing someone. it was a girl i knew he was friends with, they hung out a bit, she invited us to some parties and all that, but i had no reason to suspect anything else. he assured me that it was just sex and nothing else and they had only been seeing each other for a few months when we started getting distant and they were just friends with benefits and he had no romantic feelings for her, but it still hurt, you know? now looking back i know why he did it, i do, and i know it was partially my fault, but being cheated on still sucks no matter in what scenario. anyways, i took it poorly. very, very poorly. i said a lot of things i shouldn’t have i- it was the worst fight i’ve ever had with anyone-“

“what were some of the things you said that you seem to regret so much?” loreen interrupted slowly, realizing the mood had changed drastically from moments before.

louis hated that question, no he loathed it. but he knew it had to be said out loud, but god he felt his heart hammering so loudly and his eyes were burning with the beginnings of tears and, fuck, he was going to fall apart. he thought he was going to be sick if the room didn’t stop getting hotter and hotter every time he took a breath and his head was starting to spin and he saw the hurt in harry’s body language and he saw harry’s lip wobble and his fingers link together and squeeze and louis braced himself for impact.

“i, uh... i said that he was a whore,” louis started, absolutely no humor in his voice, “i said if.. if he wanted to fuck someone so badly we had three other men in the same room as us almost twenty four hours a day, why not pick one of them instead of... well i said a woman but i really meant someone more attractive than i was, i don’t know if he knew that’s what i meant. it wasn’t that she was a woman, it was that i believed she was more.. sexually appealing to him than i was and that hurt my ego. he proved to me he found someone else who could do the job better than i could so i felt as though i wasn’t good enough, because i.. i wasn’t.” his throat was so dry, so incredibly dry, and he hadn’t even gotten to the really bad parts yet. he could feel harry wanting to say something back, but louis had a feeling another one of the doctor’s rules was not to interrupt each other, she was the only one who could. louis didn’t want to, but he had to keep going, “i told him nobody would ever want to fuck him after i told people what he did to me in bed. i threatened to out him to the entire world with that threat, and i never specifically said that, but he knew that’s what i was saying. i knew he wasn’t ready to announce his sexuality to anyone out of his close knit circle, and i wasn’t at that time either, but i was so mad i didn’t care... i asked him if he was straight, and-“ louis’ voice finally cracked, “and he said i don’t know, maybe, and that’s when i lost it. i said that his love for me wasn’t real and that our entire relationship was bullshit built on lies. i told him i was going to spread rumors about him being a homophobe who persuaded gay men to fuck him with money... and i think one of the worst things i could have said, i said that what everyone said was true. that he was nothing more than a filthy manwhore who would have sex with any woman no matter who she was and would treat her like shit and throw her out like garbage because that is exactly how i felt. that is the lowest i had ever felt.”

“and louis, why did you say these things? not just because you were hurting, but why deep down did you feel like these are the things that needed to be said?”

louis started to sniffle a bit, still keeping most of his composure but his eyes were still glassy and his throat was tight, “i, uh, i said them because at that moment i believed them. i believed he was a straight, manipulative, cheating compulsive liar who used me for sex and pretended to be in love with me while he was seeing other people. i felt so bad about myself that i believed he was these things because i felt like that was what i deserved. i was ugly? i deserved to be cheated on. i was too feminine? i deserved to he cheated on. i was insecure? deserved it. i was in love? again, deserved it. i let my own insecurities drive my brain as to why he did what he did. and i would listen to no other reason but that.”

“now, louis, how did you end and then we can move on to harry’s side of the story.” harry seemed to physically fold in on himself at that but louis took a breath and finished, “that was around summer of 2015 so i told him i needed a break and that break lasted until new years of 2016 when we hooked up at a new years party. our relationship was strictly sex no strings attached until the band broke up that spring. we didn’t talk for about a year until one day i texted to ask how he was doing and every month or two since then we texted each other about some mundane bullshit, i don’t even know at this point. but yeah, that’s it.”

louis couldn’t believe he made it through that entire speech without shedding a tear.

“alright, harry. what do you have to say? how did your relationship go in your eyes?”

harry slowly lifted his head from his hands and louis immediately froze. harry’s eyes were bright red and tears were streaming down his face, his body very lightly shivering and louis didn’t dare move his gaze.

“i loved you. fuck, i loved you. and the things you said to me, they broke me, lou,” harry inhaled sharply and the words burned in louis’ ears so vehemently he thought he would catch on fire with them. “i knew what i was doing was wrong, god did i know it, but.. i couldn’t help myself. i craved attention, i needed the validation that came with being with someone, and you weren’t giving it to me. and i know i didn’t make it easy sometimes and i could be a little much to handle, but i just wanted someone to tell me i was worth something, make me feel like i was important. kendall did that for me.” and he said her name. god hearing it brought a rage so deep and hot in his stomach he really needed to be sick. the woman who stole his entire world from him just by opening her fucking legs. he felt his hands forming into fists and harry saw it too, and a small hint of fear glistened in his eyes but louis didn’t care. he had the right. he had every fucking right. but instead of backing down, instead of rapidly explaining himself like he had tried uselessly the night he told him, harry breathed deep and slow and continued.

“she was always there to listen when i needed her to and she was always understanding of how i was feeling and she supported me through it when i needed someone most,” for a second, louis thought his rage was reciprocated in the other man, more hot tears falling from his eyes as he spoke, “and she wanted me. she wanted me sober. she didn’t need copious amounts of vodka and weed to find me desirable, i looked my absolute worst most of the time i was with her and she still gave me everything i wanted. i felt dangerous, i felt like i was on top of the world with her, i could do anything i wanted with no consequences and still have it all. doing something so bad never felt so fucking good.” alright, now louis was pissed. was he trying to make him angry? set him off and have him explode like a time bomb in front of this poor, poor woman who had no idea what kind of toxic wasteland she was unleashing?

“and yet, even with that, even with how good i felt being with her, even on the best of days where everything went my way, i still wanted you. i wanted you so, so badly and it took me months to realize that’s what i was missing. even at my best, i was nowhere truly near it without you. i needed you, and you weren’t there, so i took what i could get.” 

louis hated himself for making harry feel that way, and that’s why now he didn’t entirely blame harry for being with her. some time after they broke up and the band was dispersed he heard rumors he went back to her, he saw the pictures, of their smiles and their hands all over each other and louis cried himself to sleep for weeks cursing himself and pleading for that to be him instead. but it was partially louis’ fault, a lot his fault, he ignored harry, he did, he ignored his wants and needs in favor for his own and he never apologized for it. he was selfish, he was greedy, and it took louis a long time to realize that in some ways harry was too.

“when i told you what i’d done, i had hit rock bottom. kendall told me she didn’t want to see me anymore the way we had been and that she just wanted to be friends. she reassured me it wasn’t anything to do with me, but she was uncomfortable with the fact i had a boyfriend and was seeing me in secret and she didn’t want any of that to reflect poorly on herself. she told me she didn’t have feelings for me and was just trying to be what i needed when i didn’t have it because she was my best friend and she wanted to take care of me. and i was okay with that, but that meant i had to tell you. i had to. i had no other choice. i had no outlet for my anger and fear and regret and fervor so my only option was to admit to you what i’d done. and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. to see how it broke you down, to see it made you say those awful, awful things about me, about yourself... i’d never felt so lost and broken in my life, and to see you like that...” harry finally met his eyes again and his heart fell in his chest, he was so beautiful, but it hurt so badly to see him this vulnerable and yet to feel so fucking angry still after years without him really in his life. “but i never want you to think i only told you because i had to. i wanted to, because i wanted to fix us. i hoped that we could get through it and that we would be better because of it, but deep down i knew how you would react. i didn’t blame you for it, i let you go because it was the right thing to do. but i wish i could have had you longer, i wish... i wish we could have done things right.”

there was a moment of silence where harry and louis could say and do nothing but look into each others eyes and remember that night and all of the heart break and confusion and tension that came with it. louis chuckled breathlessly as a stray tear made it’s way down his face, “you know even after everything you told me that night i still couldn’t help but notice how good you looked.” that brought a bubble of a giggle up from somewhere deep in harry’s chest and it made louis’ heart positively glow and a sad gasp escaped louis’ lips, “proper fit you were, broke my heart even more.”

harry bit back a smile at the comment and sniffed, finally pawing at his cheeks and neck to flick away the salty tears, “think it didn’t break mine to do that to you of all people? all i wanted was you, louis. you are the most gorgeous thing i’ve ever seen.”

now that, that was all louis needed to break down in tears. can you believe that? just a stupid compliment made every single beautiful, fucking perfect memory they shared together spark back into his mind. harry looked surprised at first, but then simply reached out his hand to louis and took his fingers in his own, squeezing tight as louis practically sobbed his little heart out.

loreen held out her box of tissues to harry and he took them and placed them delicately in front of louis, not urging him to take them but not placing them too far away so if louis wanted one he couldn’t grab it. louis, of course, took a gob of a handful and patted uselessly at his eyes as the tears just kept coming. once his sobs became quiet and slightly less painful, and harry’s soft, adoring gaze became a little bit easier to handle, loreen spoke, “i know reminiscing on the old times can be difficult, but i would say you both handled it exactly how it’s meant to be handled. with the past configured, i want you both to think about how you can move towards the future. what do you think would be the first step, harry?”

harry seemed a bit dazed at the question as he had been too focused on louis’ small cries to pay much attention to her response, but he caught the tail end and ran with it, “well, if he agrees, i think that the first step would be to start seeing each other more in person. we’re both in london or near for the time being, so now is the perfect time to start mending those burnt bridges, wouldn’t you say lou?”

louis smiled for the smallest second before nodding his head in agreement and tossing the used tissues into the garbage bin beneath the table between them, “i do, yeah. i think that’d be great, haz. i’d love to see you more.”

“our hour is almost up, but i think i’d like to leave you two with a mission. see each other three times outside of any work related meetings or rehearsals you might have before next month. it could be anything, you can grab a coffee, see a movie, whatever you two would like to do. and next time we meet, we’ll discuss how the meetings went and where you’d like to go from there. how does that sound?” the two men both agreed with a smile and only then did louis realize that harry was still holding his hand, fingers intertwined and his thumb rubbing lazily at the side of louis’ palm, like clockwork. like memory.

harry and louis both gave their goodbyes to the doctor and shook her hand, picking up their coats and stray items and leaving the tiny, cozy office, harry fawning a compliment to the receptionist on her pantsuit leaving her in a flurried red blush as he opened the door for louis.

“so, that didn’t go too bad did it? i know it was a bit hard, i feel like my eyes are going to be dry for centuries to come, but-“ “louis i need to tell you something.”

louis paused, a bit startled at the interruption after an hour of it being a literal rule that they weren’t allowed to speak over each other, but he turned to harry who had stopped a couple paces behind him in front of the elevator. “what’s up, haz? you alright? you look a little pale.”

harry swallowed thickly and scratched at the back of his neck, his blood red coat shifting up and down on his arm at the movement, “i.. um- do you think we could maybe go somewhere? like right now?” louis tilted his head at the nervous question, harry wasn’t meeting his eyes he was looking at his hair oddly enough. louis snapped his fingers in front of his forehead and that made harry look at him, “eyes are here, love. like where?”

harry shrugged, the giraffe in him truly awakening at his bow legged stance. he hadn’t seen him the slightest bit nervous even throughout their entire therapy session, but yet now as soon as they leave he’s practically shaking. “um, preferably somewhere a bit more private? like a.. like a library?”

“a library? the nearest library is nearly a half hour’s drive from here in the wrong direction,” louis said with a faint chuckle, trying his best not to make harry feel even smaller than he was trying to make himself look. he saw harry’s face cringe a bit and louis had to offer, “how about my flat? it’s where i was headed anyways, plus maybe you can give me some decorating tips, i’m right shit at it and you’ve clearly got style, styles.”

harry piqued up a bit at the offer and nodded slowly, a warm smile blossoming on his face, and jesus he was beautiful. “yeah, yeah that’d be good. you direct me we can take my car, parking probably cost me a fortune but the lot is right next door.”

the two men cramped themselves into the elevator that was oddly packed full with people now, having to stop at a few floors before the elevator was completely empty besides the two of them. as soon as the doors closed they were at the fiftieth floor, lord this was a gigantic building, and it was silent. harry and louis hadn’t been in silence in what felt like ages. alone. louis’ eyes were magnetized to the elevator doors but he felt harry looking at him, so, of course, he had to look back. it was practically a law of physics that whenever harry looked at louis he had no choice but to look right back. it was quite the troubling philosophy.

louis couldn’t really read the look on harry’s face, somewhere in between horribly awkward and blissfully calm. it was an odd look, but not entirely unwelcome. he wondered what the hell kind of face he was making, probably in the midst of hopelessly in love and dangerously afraid of it. that sounds about right.

before louis could say some snippy comment about how atrociously uncomfortable he was, the doors dinged open to the darkening main hall. harry and louis both began walking out and towards the exit when the girl from before at the front desk gasped like she was about to have a heart attack. “OH. MY. GOD. harry styles???” she screeched and harry gave her a pleasant smile, one so bright it almost snapped his face in half. he was always so adorable around fans, they made him ridiculously happy. wait a minute, why was she being so rude to louis if she obviously knew who both of them were? meanie.

“hello there, love. it’s a pleasure..,” he waited for her to say her name when louis piped in, “kat.” harry and kat both turned to him and the look on her face was priceless as if to say “if you tell him what i did to you i will break open your face”. louis loved it a lot more than her embarrassing excitement.

“you two know each other?” he looked at louis with a head tilt and louis shrugged, “no but her father was nice enough to help me find dr. winters’ room earlier.” before louis could drag harry by his coat out the door, he was already walking over to the desk. fucking nice ass stupid giraffe. “i’m terribly sorry but i’m in a bit of a rush, do you have something i can sign?” harry asked and louis’ smirk was wide enough to hurt. kat’s face fell a bit but she held out her phone (of course) and a sharpie and he signed the back of it with a heart. with a wink, he waved a goodbye and the two men finally left the building.

“she was a right bitch to me earlier, kept giving me mean looks and pouts like a toddler without her candy,” louis immediately complained and harry rolled his eyes with a joking smile, “she was probably just in a sour mood, lou, don’t blame the girl. she’s got her whole life to figure out she should be nothing but kind, especially to you.” the blush that fell onto louis’ cheeks was absolutely ungodly.

the rain had stopped but the clouds grew all the darker as it was about to be nightfall on london’s streets. the cars capacity grew increasingly, the youth of london all crowding to downtown for the night life, clubbing and getting wasted on irish heineken. louis wished niall was there to drag them all through back alleys and side streets to his favorite underground spots to have a beer and a laugh and dance wildly through the night. maybe someday soon, he hoped with the reunion he could become better friends with his boys again. he missed them terribly.

the sky was still a sight to see, that deep blue turning everything an icy winter shade of dusk as they approached the car park across the street. they climbed a few sets of stairs, talking in circles about the casual things they usually texted about but with a warm, happy feeling in their words that made it all the better. louis knew immediately what car was harry’s, the cherry red old school chevy polished to perfection sitting in the far corner of the lot. he had never been in this specific one before, but his mum had one very similar to it when he was a toddler. it was tan instead of the flashy bright color of harry’s, but it was old and smelled like home and louis adored it.

they both clamored inside with the click of harry’s wildly posh yet childish car keys and louis set his eyes on him as he shrugged off his coat and tossed it into the back seat. harry buckled his seat belt, started the car, and just before he was about to put it in reverse he stared over at louis. louis was confused at first, but then harry spoke, “forgetting something, tommo?” louis looked around him and frowned, checking everything, he had his phone in his pocket, wallet in the other, house keys in a lanyard around his neck, sweatshirt on and synched tight around his cold body, what was he forgetting? harry let out a bubbly laugh, “seatbelt, louis, your seatbelt.”

“oh shut up you knob i’ve been driving without a seat belt since i was 14,” he rolled his eyes with a sneer but obeyed and clicked the belt into its buckle, “you’re lucky i’m kind enough to not want to toss myself through your windshield if we were to be in an accident.”

harry laughed yet again at his snippy comment and rolled the car out in reverse, zipping out of the parking lot in what seemed like no time and onto the congested street. “we might be in here awhile, care for some music?” harry asked absentmindedly as he turned the corner next to the building and louis watched it disappear in the rear view mirror. “gladly, curly,” louis smiled as harry unlocked his phone without looking and handed it to louis. their fingers every so gently brushed and it caused a faint flush to fall on harry’s cheeks, louis smiling wildly at it and scrolling through harry’s spotify. 

tyler the creator, rex orange county, willow, the beatles, billy joel, elton john, fleetwood mac, scrolling scrolling scrolling, king princess, the 1975, ABBA, and-

“doja cat? really harold?” harry practically screeched at louis’ comment and grinned, “she’s got some great stuff, lou, really talented girl.”

“yeah if you’re an eighteen year old e girl clubber from west hollywood, maybe,” louis huffed and harry frowned, “play a song, i bet you money you’ll like it.”

“yeah? how much?”

“fifty bucks and a candy bar from tesco,” harry promised and louis laughed amusedly, “alright you’re on.”

like that played and the lively pop music filled the car and harry laughed like a maniac, louis looked down at the phone and realized the playlist he was on was entitled “it’s 3am and bitches just want to have fun (i’m bitches)” okay harry.

and sure enough as soon as the interlude stopped and the lyrics started harry practically belted them out his window into the frozen london air and it made louis laugh like a complete clown. the hand gestures harry made to the music were absolutely hysterical and his facial expressions were even better. if louis was honest he thought harry was the one who had been a theatre major in uni, not louis. when the rap part came on louis almost passed out he was laughing so hard, british people should not be allowed to rap anything ever. especially harry.

as soon as the song ended louis applauded, “alright, styles, looks like i owe you big time that song was a banger and your rendition was even better.” harry smiled proudly, his cheeks flushed with the cold streaming in through the windows as they were now on the road out of the city and the traffic was clearing up so they were going a bit faster. “my turn!” louis cheered and unplugged harry’s phone from the aux in favor of his own. “have at it!” harry said with a challenging grin and louis was very much up for that bet.

he needed something to belt and be slightly impressive but he wasn’t going to admit that so he played bird set free by sia and hit every. fucking. note. to a perfect tee. he was more than proud of himself and he fell back in his seat with a huff of breath as the song ended. they were stopped at a stop light and he looked over at harry with an expectant smile and was met with a slack jaw and sparkling green apple eyes.

they were on a two way road to louis’ apartment from the city and nobody else was on the road besides them. the sky was completely pitch black now but the dark blue of the clouds added texture to the expanse of night surrounding them. grass fields and small suburban town houses in the valleys below twinkled their lights around the road, but all harry could look at was louis.

“you are unforgettable, louis tomlinson.”

louis’ smile fell from his face and he was sent into a spiral of emotions, namely ecstasy.

“and you are a sap, harry styles.”

they pulled into louis’ complex a few minutes later, the sounds of the city far enough behind them to be a faint whisper in the night. harry parked his car in louis’ numbered spot as louis’ car hadn’t yet been shipped out to london from los angeles. the houses around them were all pearl white and pristine with burnt grey roofs and navy paneling. gardenias and poppies wilted over with the heaviness of the rain scattered the hills leading up over each path to the buildings.

the two made their way from the car to the overhang of louis’ building, running unnecessarily fast as the rain was picking up it’s incessant beating on their heads, laughing and splashing puddles at each others’ ankles. turns out louis wasn’t the only one who forgot an umbrella that day.

they climbed up the stairs, louis in front of harry and he secretly hoped harry was looking at his ass but wasn’t 100% sure that was appropriate. actually it certainly wasn’t but a guy can dream can’t he? louis retrieved the lanyard from around his neck and stuck the rusty golden key into the heavy wooden door, pulling it open with ease and toeing off his soaked vans at the door. harry followed with his boots clacking off on the expensive wooden floor as he shut the door behind him, the room illuminating as louis flicked on the light switch opposite the door.

the apartment was mostly empty besides some basic furniture that most likely came with the place and photographs of louis and his friends and family placed delicately on the shelves. but he was trying to make it feel like home, and that took time, but it was getting there. with each little knick knack louis placed around it got a bit more familiar, a bit more relaxing to come home to.

his personals so far included his trusty old acoustic guitar with stickers clad all over it that had its constant place in the corner of the living room, a bubble maker his cousin had brought over to show his sisters when they came to visit the day he moved in, his flat screen tv that was actually as thin as a piece of paper, his color changing lights hung around the living room walls that his sister gave him the christmas before insisting everyone had them and that he would adore them (and he did), a large banana leafed plant near the kitchen with sharpie doodles on the leafs (he got too high one night and decided that would be appropriate), more pictures of him and fans at his shows and old concert tickets slapped on his fridge with childrens star wars magnets, and finally his vanity fair cover framed on the wall next to the tv that his mother gave to him to put up in his home “so you can always be reminded of your success even if you feel like you don’t deserve it”. she knew him too well.

“this is brilliant, louis, you’re making it into a proper home for yourself,” harry commented as he hung his coat on the hook next to the door on top of louis’ old faded denim jacket. maybe it would smell like him when he left later and took his coat off and with him.

louis shrugged with a smile and shoved his hands in his pockets, “well i’m trying, it’ll take time i know but i’m hoping for it to turn out the way i want, i just want it to feel like... like mine.” harry smiled endearingly at that, “it will.”

“so, can i get you anything? i don’t have much but i’ve got the usuals, water, a couple rockstars, beer, i think i have some wine coolers in the freezer-“ “got any rosé?” harry piqued at the last offer, and louis grinned, “you know i do, curly.”

louis pulled the boxed cooler from the freezer and twisted the tap, grabbing two glasses (no, not wine glasses, but they were champagne flutes and all fancy cups are basically the same aren’t they?) and filling them to the brim with the bubbly pink liquid. he handed one to harry and held one in his own, “well, harry,” he tipped the glass up to harry, “to us.” harry smiled and clinked his glass with louis’, a sweet ping sounding throughout the kitchen, “to us.”

louis took a sip from the glass and felt the cool bubbles sing down his throat and into his stomach, pooling with a warmth that was absolutely delicious. he took a small breath and sighed happily, leaning against the counter and watching harry take a full drink from his, the lip gloss he wore slightly staining the glass with a rose shine. how appropriate. “so haz, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier?”

harry froze up a bit at that and held his glass a bit tighter, settling back on the counter opposite louis and then standing straight back up again. louis cocked an eyebrow and harry nodded his head behind him, “want to sit outside? i dunno if you’ve got chairs or anything or how good the view is but-“ louis chuckled “oh i’ve got chairs, and the view is spectacular, c’mon.”

louis absentmindedly grabbed harry’s free hand and lead him to the balcony, the weight of the other man’s hand in his familiar and warm. he never wanted to let it go. however, he must to open the sliding glass door, with a click of the lock it opened easily and the two stepped out onto the concrete ledge. the view was, like louis said, amazing. a valley lead down to more of those similar homes across a flat green plain and in the back you could see the city lights of center london create a bright orange glow in the deep black and blue sky. two comfortable looking brown and white wicker chairs sat at the edge of the glass barrier between the balcony and the scenery, a small marble table with louis’ ash tray and a small bouquet of succulents sat between them. harry and louis took their seats easily and simply settled for staring at the setting around them.

“it is gorgeous out tonight, don’t you think harry?” louis asked simply, lost in the clouds for the thousandth time today, “i feel like i could reach out and touch them if i stretched far enough.”

after a few seconds of no response, he looked over at harry who was staring aimlessly up at the sky. he saw in his eyes that his brain was whirring away with thoughts and louis longed to hear every single one of them.

“it is, it really, really is,” harry agreed wistfully and looked back at louis. louis waited, and harry spoke after a deep inhale of the frozen air, his exhale looking like smoke from a burning fire.

“we’ve been through a lot, you and i, don’t you think? we’ve known each other almost ten years, louis. and they have... they have been the best ten years of my life. some of it was shit, sure, but just- moments like these make it all worth it. all the heavy problems or dark worries or random baggage seems like nothing with a night like this. just one night erases all of it, maybe not forever, but for now... i feel freer and happier than i have in months. tonight reminded me of something i’ve gone without for far too long, something i’ve been missing and craving for ages and i couldn’t put my finger on what it was until i saw you walk into that office.”

“what are you saying, haz?”

“i’m saying that there is nothing in the world around me that i want more than the feeling i have when i look at you. i want to feel it forever. i...” harry pauses, grasping louis’ hand that laid limp on the edge of the table, “i want you, lou. i want you so fucking badly. and i don’t care what i have to do, i don’t care what it takes, i will do anything to prove to you that i just want you.” 

“you... want me?”

“i do. i... i love you. i’ve always loved you. and... and i don’t want to stop, fuck what anyone else says, i don’t want to stop loving you. it feels awful not to love you.”

“then don’t stop.”

“i won’t, i don’t think i can.”

“neither can i.”

“then tell me you love me. please tell me. i need to hear it. please.”

louis grasped harry’s hand in his like it was the last time he would, “i love you, harry.”

they sat there for a long time, their hands laced together looking into each other’s eyes like there was nothing else in the world, because in that moment there wasn’t. and it was a reminder that at the end of the day all they wanted was each other. and that was okay. that was perfectly okay.

**Author's Note:**

> :) hehe


End file.
